That is a wrap on 2024. Last year was… Let’s call it complex and interesting, and leave it at that for the intro. Making was great the first half of the year, then it died a slow and painful death the second half. The rollercoaster that my mind and health took was a level of not fun that I hadn’t anticipated and I want my money back. The grief and mourning that I had to watch my loved ones experience was heartbreaking. The battles that I watched them go through and the new lights that I was forced to look at people in were both shocking and painful. I am not sure that things will ever really be the same after this year.

That being said it didn’t all fall apart. There definitely rays of sunshine through the clouds, and good memories were made in there too. From a making standpoint I did make quite a lot in the first half of the year. Ravelry reports that I only made 15 things, but I believe I didn’t log quite a few things, like a baby sweater, a hat for Feebs, socks, and a several charity knits. Oh well. I only sewed one thing, and that was the game bag in January out of the recycled man-pants. I am still ridiculously proud of that thing.

My total for the year:

Two tops: Home Camisole & Rota top

Three hats: Honey Pie Hat, Tundra for Feebs, & Everyday Slouchy Beanie

Two pairs of socks: On the Go socks- End to End & Contrast Heal and Toe

Three Sweaters: Zipper Sweater- Man, Flax- Adult (me), Flax- baby

Cowl/ Shawl/ Wrap: Paris in Berlin, Oaken Shawl, & Lakeside Beach Wrap

Charity knitting: Hats & washcloths

Bottoms: Bliss Shorts

Accessories: Purl Pouch & Barebones Fingerless Mitts

Sewing: Gaming bag

So, not as shabby as Ravelry claims, but not as good as my challenge, and certainly not a good as most other years. I am so close to finishing the Highlights Tunic dress, but the weather is cold and I have no motivation to finish it right now. I really need to get Sister #3’s shawl finished and gifted to her. I want to finish Feebs’s socks and give them to her. And I still want to start something super squishy and delightful that warms my hands and soul. But I am just not quite there yet. That is a big hope for 2025. I want to get that spark back. I finished 2024 and didn’t knit a single sweater in the second half of the year to keep me warm in the winter. That is heartbreaking. Nothing makes me happier than a newly knit sweater for the cold months. The hardest thing with making this year was losing the desire to knit that hit me in August/ September. Knitting is my therapy and my happy place, so losing that threw me into a tailspin.

The year as a whole seemed to be about death and decompensation. Between the actual loss of life that we struggled through in Spring, then onto loss of health and what felt like loss of sanity, the year just felt very steeped in sorrow and fear. I spent the year feeling like I didn’t fit in my skin. Like at any second something would happen and either it would shrink wrap me or shred to pieces and I would be no more. I think I have never felt so out of control of my own person before. I struggled like never before, and my family had to stand by and watch me fall to pieces.

So while that was such a shiny and bright overview of how I felt about my place in 2024, there were definitely some highlights and life lessons that survived.

1. I have always know that I come from a solid foundation. My people, some blood some not, are my rock. They held me together when nothing else was. It is so crucial to always surround myself with my core people. At the same time, I need to be sure that I am that same level of solid for them.
2. I can only fight against my own brain and body for so long. I can only swim up my own stream of consciousness for so long before I collapse from exhaustion. At some point I may even realize that fighting against my best health interests isn’t benefiting me. My body and mind need rest, and eventually they will just take it.
3. Stress can and will kill me if I let it. I can’t fix the world’s problems, I can’t fix all of my loved one’s problems, and I can’t fix all of my health problems. I can only control what I can and I HAVE TO LET THE REST GO. I can’t keep allowing myself to be pulled into other people’s crisis’s. I will offer my help, set boundaries, and hold those boundaries. If they decide to act on their issues only once they become crisis’s, then they may have to resolve them on their own. Every adult in my life is smart and capable and can handle their own lives. If they need my help, they will ask. I will not intrude in their lives in an attempt to fix their issues.
4. I very painfully learned this year about who I can count on. This was a good and bad thing. I needed to know who would stand up when push comes to shove, and now I know. At the same time, it was crushing to find out that people I always thought were part of my ride of die crew were all talk.
5. Asking for help doesn’t make me incapable of handling my own business. I learned that this year and while it got on my very last nerve, I had to stop and ask for help. There were times that I physically could not perform a task, or at least not safely. I don’t think that it makes a person weak to ask for help, but I am used to being able to take care of everything on my own. 2024 proved me wrong and I had to hand over control of the reigns, several times. I won’t lie, it pissed me off, but it was necessary and I am so incredibly grateful that my people stepped up to help when it was needed.
6. I already knew this, but I was reminded last year, that nothing lasts forever. Your best days pass and your worst days pass. You just have to either remember them or survive them and things will change. New things will always be coming and good, bad or indifferent there will be new memories to make and new adventures to experience. Nothing stays bad forever.

I would love to say that by the final day of 2024, everything was resolved and the curtain closed on a happy ending. Nope, that wasn’t quite the case. However, I spent the last day and eve of 2024 with the two halves of my heart and our best friends. We rang in the 2025, as we do every year. We toasted to good things up ahead and we said farewell to the year that put all of us through the ringer. We went into the New Year with quiet optimism and all of the tools that we had acquired from the last year. Out with the old and in with the new.

I love my people. I love our traditions and adventures. I love everything I have in life and the optimism that things will change. I am happy to say that I survived another year. I am thrilled to say that (spoiler alert!) I may be getting back some of my making spark in 2025, and that big health changes may be on the way. It won’t always be bleak and sorrow. Time makes change and I will change with it. Let’s head into the next chapter.

Loves,

M

Can a month be hormonal? I mean can it be super manic and imbalanced? Asking for a friend. July was one crazy up and down month. A metric ton of knitting happened. A metric ton of stress happened. A metric ton of Mrs. Collins done lost her mind happened. Holy wow, it was a weird month. It wasn’t all bad, but it wasn’t all good. And hey, did I say there was a lot of knitting?

Finished objects:

Bliss Shorts by Muki Craft. I knit these in Cascade Yarns Venezia Sport. These are amazing, but there is a separate post all about them.

On the Go Socks- contrast toe, cuff and heel. I knit these as the second half of my on the go socks experiment. They worked out great. I think I will write a brief post about how these worked out, as well, because I have some cool notes on what I did with the toes and heels. More to come.

Oaken Shawl by Tin Can Knits. I knit this using Urth Yarns that the Father brought me back from England. I have knit this shawl before, but I just checked and there is no blog post, so I guess that will be coming soon. I have some feelings about this pattern.

New cast-ons:

Thelma Top

Rota Top

Works in progress:

Highland Tunic

Vinca

Shatar Vest

Stalled out Knitting my memories blanket

Goals for next month:

Finish Highlights Tunic

Cast on something gorgeous and squishy

Don’t don’t die or lose my mind

Get answers about my health stuff

So, a lot of knitting occurred in July. With all the health crap that happened, that we will get to shortly, all that I was able to look at and focus on was knitting. I knit my favorite thing ever, the Bliss Shorts. As I said, there is a separate post for them, but they are SO fun to knit and I love them! The second pair of on-the-go socks were just as successful as the first. I do intend to write a second post so that I can really decide which method I prefer more and weigh out the pros and cons. The Oaken Shawl also needs a post. It will become evident why when I write it. Suffice it to say that the shawl is gorgeous and I love both of the shawls that I have knit, but I do not love knitting the pattern. I have stalled on knitting the Highlights Tunic dress. I hit an annoying part of the pattern, plus the weather has started to cool off so she has been in and out of time out. My hat knitting has lost some interest for now. As the weather cools off more I will get more into the charity and cold weather knitting spirit. Obviously, no sewing, though I am constantly wanting to sew something. Someday I will understand this ever present block I have about it.

Oh darling, July started out so good. We had 4th of July the first week. We went to the Mayberry parade and hung out with the normal crew, then went for beers at one of the regular spots, which is always fun. After that, we went to hang out next door and swim with the ladies. It was a really nice and chill day. That weekend there was an ArnoCorps show. We got the Nama-sitter and the Husband and I went out for a night on the town. There was a kerfuffle about when the show started and we ended up getting there about 3 hours early. We had some cocktails and were having a delightful time. My darling, your girl decided to test the limits. I fought the laws of my limits and the law won. I got so sick that we had to pull over so that I could evacuate on the side of the highway. That is VERY un-Mrs. Collins like behavior. The next week was Feebs’s 10th birthday! I cannot believe my girlie is 10. I am thrilled and sad at the same time. I took the middle of the week off to spend with her. For her present she got to trade her full size trundle bed for a twin size loft bed. She was incredibly excited and loves her new nest. Fortunately, Sister #1’s daughter wanted the full sized bed, so they came and picked it up and we got hang out for the day. We also did the over night in Santa Cruz, like she always wants to do. She was really funny, this time she didn’t want to go on the rides, she just wanted to play the games. That weekend was her birthday party. Mommy was such a hot mess express that I didn’t get my stuff together in time to actually plan a party. I booked the park in time, but didn’t get invitations out or get anything ordered in time for it to be a party. So at the zero hour I asked what else she wanted to do to make up for not having a party. I checked with our core people and they were all prepared to go where ever she wanted to go. She chose one of the trampoline places near us, then to lunch after. I won’t lie and say that it wasn’t 6 times more expensive than it would have been if I had actually planned the party that was supposed to be planned, but she loved every minute of it and it was so chill. So needless to say, the first half of July was really great. Come Monday the 15th, my world came crashing down. I had noticed the week before that the weird buzzy feeling from 2022 was back, but I didn’t pay much attention to it because it never turned into anything else in 2022, and I figured it would go away in a month or two. Well, July 15 proved me wrong. By the end of the day, my vision was horribly blurry and the gritty pain and pressure (similar to when I had optic neuritis) was back in my left side. The left side of my face and body was numb and I was dizzy and disoriented. I was having sporadic headaches and all kinds of fun stuff. I finally called my mom and asked her to take me to the ER because I was afraid I was having a stroke. That was the entire second part of July. Doctor’s appointments, tests, possible diagnoses, wrong diagnoses, and a whole lot of brush offs and “you’re fines” from specialists. Fortunately, I didn’t have a stroke. My lesions do not show any changes, so my disease does not seem to be progressing. I got some really crappy doctors, but my PCP is heaven sent and advocated for me the entire time. By the end of the month I still had no answers, was missing a ton of work, and felt like hot flaming garbage all the time. My family was trying their hardest to be my cheerleaders and keep me going. I had to stop driving, by my choice, which made me feel like a burden and helpless. Poor Feebs was scared and wasn’t sure what was happening. She was trying to be helpful and understanding, but she kept asking everyone if I was dying and if I would ever get better. We were all scared and frustrated. It was obvious I would get no answers that month, but I was going to keep asking for them. I was working at home a lot, or just missing whole or partial days. I missed a bunch of family stuff, cancelled Feebs stuff and was ever so pleasant to be around at home, I am sure. My mental health tanked. So all in all, the second half of the month was so fun. I could look at any screens, couldn’t read papers, couldn’t look out windshields. The only think I could do was knit. I realized that my knitting muscle memory is so built in that I can look at my knitting without having to focus on it, so that made knitting the only possible thing for me to do. That is the entire reason that I was so productive with knitting in July.

So, I can’t say that the entire month was terrible. It had so many beautiful parts, and so many terrible parts. I got to celebrate my girl, and see Sister #1’s family, be supported and loved by my family, and feel like I have a tribe of people standing behind me. At the same time I was fearful for my life, my mental health was a dumpster fire, and I was left holding an industrial size basket of questions that still are unanswered. July was really a mix bag. I am choosing to focus on the good though. I will be positive and embrace the fact that I have made it this far. Hopefully there are answers to come and more treatment that will be useful to me.

Loves,

M

P.S. you will notice that the posting date of this is months after July. This couldn’t be helped for a series of reasons. July- October will all be a bit messy and overlapping due to the ongoing health bull-shit that is still unfolding. Good times, darling. Good times.